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The absence of her customary presence at a moment like this returning the earlier double-edged blade I’d experienced. Adding both to the pain and bittersweet pleasure of this whole experience.In some ways, this was an Epiphany-type moment for me. When Jill and I had started this whole game, as far as I understood myself it had been the thought of watching Jill being physically intimate with another man which was the turn-on for me. But at the moment as I rejected the idea of calling Jill to discuss my feelings, I started to realize that the whole emotional side of this thing was maybe a bigger turn-on. But at the same time carried a heavy emotional tariff, far beyond anything purely physical.The word that buzzed into my head and wouldn’t stop flashing was ‘masochist’. Was this me? Not a pleasant thought to contemplate in some ways. No-one ever likes to think of themselves as being a masochist, associated as it is with all kinds of ideas of self-harm and low self-esteem. But a nagging. She actually spent like 8 months unemployed looking for the right job.. I would go visit her and cut her grass whenever it was needed. I would even lend her money. Anyway I could I would help her. I finally found the courage one day to see how far I can get with my cousin Mary. It was after she had wrote on her MySpace status ”Necesito palito”. Which in English translates to “I need Dick” Couple people commented on it saying “you don’t need a man, buy a toy instead” I acted dumb like I didn’t know what “Palito” meant. So I asked her if she needed me to go to the store to get that for her. She laughed and told me she wishes but that, I can’t buy that at the store. That’s when she tells me Palito means Dick and that she was just bored when she wrote that. I laughed about it and told her that if she ever does need it. I have one that works fine. That started a conversation on just sex. We talked about what we like and don’t like and all things we’ve tried. It’s then when I realized.
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