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‘When were you going to tell me? We have this great year and you’re gone? How could you?’ Then I started to cry. I hated it. It was a sign of weakness. ‘No, Fifths, I’m not leaving.’ He put his arms around me. I sobbed against him. ‘I’m not going anywhere. I start grad school in the fall.’ When I calmed down, I hit him, pretty hard this time. ‘How could you let me think that, even for a moment? That’s cruel.’ ‘I didn’t, I had, I didn’t realize you’d hear it that way. It never crossed my mind for a second to go anywhere without you. How could you think that?’ Now he sounded incredulous. ‘I don’t know. It just sounded like, I have no idea. I’m sure there’s a good reason in there somewhere, but I don’t have a clue what it is. Maybe I’m just insecure. I’ve never done this before. ‘You know lots of people are in love and then they’re not.’ ‘Not going to happen, Fifths. You’ve saturated me so completely, you’ve become part of my DNA.’ ‘That’s probably very romantic in the nerdiest way. I never heard about what happened to her, at least not anything definite. I had heard a rumor that she had gotten pregnant in college and married the guy, and they lived in New Hampshire or somewhere else in New England. I didn’t trust the source, but somehow I figured that wherever she was, she wasn’t planning to return. Russell Creek held too many bad memories for her, or maybe just one huge bad memory. That fucking bastard GTO. He ruined my Megan. He ruined everything. She should have been mine. ‘Yeah, it’s been maybe ten years,’ I said, the sentence sounding non-committal as if I expected her to correct me. She didn’t. She looked at her hands. She should have been mine. I should have been the one to put that ring on her finger. I’ve loved her my whole life. I tried to shake the feeling out of me. Why do I do this to myself? I thought. I felt like I fell for almost every woman I talked to. It didn’t used to be that way, but I think it came into effect around the time my marriage.
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