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Becky certainly knew it and had taken full advantage of it at the conference in Cincinnati. Stephie had recognized it early on and had seen it as a way to perhaps maneuver Kara out of the way. Sofia surely knew it, coming to stay with me at the hotel when I’d been in Sweden. I had, at times, acknowledged the situation, but now I needed to not only acknowledge it, but to understand it and deal with it. If I didn’t, I’d fall right into a relationship for which I wasn’t ready and one which could cause big problems down the road.In a way, I was lucky at how things had turned out with Stephie. It wasn’t ‘sour grapes’; it was the recognition that I’d become involved with her because I was needy. I needed someone with me - a constant companion, a lover, and a friend. Sometimes that was a single person, sometimes it was multiple people. It was going to be difficult to achieve if I didn’t have a girlfriend. I wondered how my relationship with Stephie would work once she came back to Chicago.I. But I also don't think I've ever been more mentally, emotionally, spiritually existent. Is this just my "first time" experience? Or is it more than that? Is this what it feels like to be in love? I had pushed the notion of love out of my mind, trying not to think like a little girl living in a fairy tale. I didn't want to fall down some terrible hole if "whatever THIS is" turned out to be nothing more than CJ getting a new piece of ass.I lay staring silently into the eyes of the man - what do you call the man who takes your virginity? Shouldn't there be a title for him? Why am I still thinking about my stupid virginity? Why do I care? We fucked, that's it. CJ fucked me. I had sex with CJ. I let CJ fuck my blessed pussy. There. No more childish, romantic VIRGIN shit!"I'm so happy," I whispered, breaking the silence. For some reason, it seemed appropriate to say SOMETHING in the afterglow, as we lay studying each other's faces. And I needed the sound of my own voice to talk over, drown.
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