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No shit Sherlock! What, you think perhaps I hadn’t noticed? I cough and it hurts and you rush to my side to suppress the spasms racking my chest. I want to grab you and crush your simpering face but my arms are restrained, strapped to the cold and impersonal rails of the bed. ‘Fuck you!’ I want to scream. Immobile and impotent, helpless to express the anger inside me I see you smile. You are not afraid. You’ve seen me, other me’s, before. Why do you do this job? A shot of something in my drip. Bitch! Suppression. Oppression. You are willing me to die but taunt me by keeping my body alive. This IS me. Stop! Harder to concentrate. I can’t think. Bitch. Helpless and angry, a pitiful combination. And you just walk away. 27 June I gaze down the garden path and across to the trees beyond the pond. Sunlight and birdsong. I try to feel something. Anything. There’s no rage left, no anger. But there is nothing to take its place either. I try to hold that thought but I can’t. I know I need. One of those humid, balmy sort of days that we occasionally get in England during the summer. There was no a trace of a breeze to be found at all. The air hung like a veil in the sky. You could slice through it with a knife. Even the birds were having a day off. It was also one of those pleasing days for blokes, as the ladies wear less clothing and more revealing outfits than usual as it was so hot.In the carriage of the train it was even hotter. Few of the windows would open and the sun beamed down on to the coach, turning it into an oven. As it was early afternoon and such a hot day, few people were around. In the carriage that I was in was an old dear who appeared to be chatting quietly to herself, a down-and-out who was snoring quietly on one of the seats, probably having hit the booze (too early and myself).I was sitting at the other end of the coach reading my book. I had finished work early as I had been up since 4am setting up a new system. I was knackered and trying to stay.
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