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It seems that my thoughts have enough power on their own to keep me constantly so, but I was overjoyed that I would not be with just my thoughts alone tonight.I returned to my car and drove a long time before I found my last exit. I turned left and my heart, already pounding, began to race as I approached the gate. For some reason I wanted to get into the gate without having to call and be "buzzed" in, so I waited just a bit until another car drove in before me, and I followed behind. I directed my car through the parking lot, round and round, until I lost my entire sense of direction. I took a wrong turn that completely obliterated any sense of north I had and finally said to HELL with it! I spied his car and parked accordingly.There I was, I had been naked in his presence before, I had been the wanton heathen in his tent that night and still I was nervous. Still, I shook and my heart could be heard yards away. In a mirrored image from earlier, I saw myself open the door and step. .. he's still alive – he's in surgery – but the doctors ... they say you'd better come."Time started itself again, moving into hyper-speed as Meredith and I showered, threw on clothes and drove to the city, violating every traffic law in existence, and miraculously avoided killing ourselves or others.By the time we arrived, Johnny was out of surgery – no cause for celebration as the only thing keeping him alive was the plethora of machines surrounding him. There were conversations with doctors that I don't remember, Meredith and Sophie were huddled together in communal misery, and I was led to see my son – gone in all the ways that counted, all the ways that mattered.There are words you never want to hear, words like "your son signed a non-resuscitation order" and "we were only waiting until you arrived" and "would you like some time alone with him before..." Can it wait a little longer, until his ... stepmother ... can get here to say good-bye?"I didn't recognize the voice, didn't.
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