. but waiting was killing me. I knew that it was going to be hours before I'd know anything, hours before Amber and her family discovered the things I'd done. I almost laughed at the thought; they'd gone to bed the night before – maybe Amber had even spent an especially tender night fucking her brother – not knowing what was going to happen. It felt good to think of them like that ... fucking ... unsuspecting ... without a care in the world. It was over for them wasn't it? They'd won. They were living my life, a life stolen from me, a happiness and peace that had been ripped from my heart. Peaceful. Serene. Not fucking knowing of the hell that was going to start today.I imagined Amber, the woman I loved, lying next to her brother. Just a hint of light – a night light or maybe a dull lamp, Amber never did like fucking in total darkness – caressing each other, sharing their day just as Amber and I had lain at night long ago, sharing our lives – or most of our lives, the fucking, lying. The upper part of each slipper had a series of razor blade cuts running from the toe all the way to the heel or from toe to the opening on top. The padding inside had been pulled apart and was sticking through the cuts. The soles also had about five cuts each which went all the way through the insoles and ran all the way from the toe to the heel. Wearing them would be no better than being barefoot. All items going to prisoners had to be thoroughly inspected for contraband the guard explained. Similarly all clothing will be thoroughly washed. Jeannie realized this when she tried on her wool sweater which the prison had washed in extremely hot water. The sweater had shrunk so much that it was no longer wearable. Back in her cell Jeannie experienced a real let down making her realize how much she had been looking forward to having a few of her own things again. In spite of all that had happened to her she was still quite vulnerable. Life continued much the same for months..
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