Since puberty, I’ve been able to control the proportions of my body at will, growing and shrinking my limbs and head. It’s the kind of superhuman power that everyone and their brother seems to have developed lately. Ever since I first manifested my powers and started showing it off at parties, as you do, some wiseass implies that I can make my dick double in size just like my arms and legs. Well, I can, but I’d rather that’s not how I was known.But I’ll tell you what. That question once lead me to the best night of my life.It started out as a pretty bad night, actually. A few days earlier, my friend Phil and I had been at the bar deep in our cups. I had just been laid off, and was banging an oversized fist on the table. Phil had joked that I could be a superhero, what with my powers and all. These days, costumed heroes were so commonplace that the government gave them grants to focus on crime-stopping. Jokingly, we had started to come up with superhero names.(“The Fister! No, Fist. Strangers do not chat. And anyway, there’s only one other person in this carriage. An elderly man with a dog on a lead. Just back from Sunday lunch and a walk in the fields, I’m sure. I glance at him, but his nose is still buried in The Times. I sigh. Are we there yet? Do I want to arrive at all? I chew even harder on my gum and stare out of the window as Cotswolds idyll slides past in the softening summer light. Some sheep, the odd cow, plenty of yellow flowers. Even the horses seem to be feeling lazy: I spot several lying on their sides in the paddocks. I wonder if they’re judging me. Shut up, Emma, you idiot. Horses mount each other in full view of everyone. There’s a crazy nightmare thought that won’t leave my head: what if my parents climb aboard? For fuck’s sake Emma! Mum and Dad never take Sundays in the country by train. Dad will be watching the football and Mum will be badgering him to do some chore or other. Ugh. The whole image makes me glad I’m doing this experiment: no.
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