I told her as gently as I could, making sure I said "passed away" instead of the harsher "died"—I never have understood why it matters, they mean the same thing, but it does to most people—and her face seemed to freeze except for the tears that started trickling down her cheeks. I tried to take her in my arms for comfort, but she pushed me away."Not now, Jackie," she said in a tremulous voice. "Just leave me be for a little while, OK? I need to be alone right now," she added when I just stood there feeling stupid and useless. I left the room, and behind me I could hear the lock on the door click.The rest of the afternoon went by, and all evening. I had no idea what to do. It was our bedroom she'd locked me out of, and as the hour grew later and later I finally dossed down uncomfortably on the living room couch and, with the aid of a couple of solid slugs of scotch, fell into an uneasy sleep.It was still pitch black outside when she shook me awake. "Jackie, please wake up, I need to. ." I sighed. "Culpable as ever." I really am serious darling. I don't know what's got into me. Ever since Morocco it's like I can hear every tick of my body clock. I need this so much it hurts, but..." I lifted an eyebrow questioningly as she paused."I can't do it without you, and I'm so frightened that you won't want to do it with me. You've never ever talked about wanting children, and you've got so much on, and..."She was getting wound up, over-talking herself in her effort to convince and reassure me all at once. I was still a bit dazed. Em was right; I had never talked about children. The urge to procreate had never been more than a brief pang ... like in Morocco when I saw her with that little boy...Since Em had been sacked by the University, she hadn't been able to find any work that properly utilised her skills, she'd been blacklisted. I was her main employer, but even I had to be careful in case there were charges of nepotism from the staff, residents, or board. Being in.
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