In a sense, she still thought of herself as a virgin. Perhaps not so in the literal sense, but in an emotional sense there was a truth about this she was too embarrassed to admit. True, she had experimented. There were the men who'd enjoyed her body when times were hard and the doctors' bills most difficult to afford, but she knew for sure that she'd not really relished their affection as much as they apparently did. And, in any case, her scruples had never let her go beyond oral sex. She may have suffered financially as a result, but she had limits she'd set herself, however desperate she might have been.When she was young and not so sure of herself she'd even had sex with women, but this was wholly unsatisfactory and more than anything reinforced in her mind just where her sexual preferences lay. It wasn't just the humiliation of leaving her female lovers dissatisfied: there was also the deeper discovery that she would never be the sort of woman who could properly love another woman. Theroad was clogged by tens of thousands of people, in vehicles and onfoot. They were streaming away from Berlin at a snail's pace, all ofthem desperate to escape the oncoming Russians.Berlin still lay fifty miles to the east of where we were. So we had aproblem."We're never going to be able to get through all those people," I said."No, we're not," said Helmut, frowning at the sight. "Let'seat while I try and figure out what to do next."I took out the cheese wheel and the rabbit pie, cut us a couple ofslices of each, and we sat down on the grass beside the road to eat.Under other circumstances this would have been a pleasant picnic underthe warm sun of early spring, but there was too much at stake, too muchuncertainty about what we would soon face for either of us to be able torelax. As we ate we watched the human tide below. While some turned offat the junction where the road we were on intersected thereichsautobahn, very few did."They want to get as far west as they can," explained.
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