I'll miss the friends I made here. I'll definitely miss the grad student lifestyle, especially on Monday mornings. However, I won't miss being a grad student, if that makes any sense at all.I suspect that many of you know how difficult it is to put on a mask every day before leaving the house and keep it on--no matter how it chafes--until you go home at night. I had to put on my grad student mask--the one where I'm enthusiastic and passionate about my research and science in general--on a daily basis, or risk losing my position at Hopkins. Compared to what other people suffer on a regular basis, I know that my problems don't even come close to showing up on the radar. But for me, it's painful as hell.Most people would say, "You should be grateful you're getting paid a reasonable stipend (my snipes about the size of my stipend notwithstanding, I was paid a fair amount over minimum wage just to do research and earn my doctorate; my colleagues over in the social sciences are much less. She ran over to me and shook, yelling at me, trying to beak the spell that had come over me and trapped her in this place. I finally closed my mouth, and my head began to jerk back and forth the motions of her arms. The room returned to normal, thankfully. We were both bathed in sweat. Janet looked as though she wanted to run towards the door. She held onto my shoulders, in decisive for a moment. She let go of me after a long moment, stood up and walked slowly towards the door. She gathered her jacket and purse, and left the room. I laid there, in emotionally agony, not able to reconcile what I had just seen. I wanted so much to run after Janet, to somehow convince here that it was only one, vision not my whole being. Even if my body could have obey me at that point, I don’t thinking she would have listened. The look of pain, anger, and hurt on her face the last time I saw it told me enough. It was that instant I wanted to die. To end this suffering, to finally be rid of this curse.
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