I’m not depressed. Relieved. Happy even, if that’s at all possible. Fear of loss is so much harder to bear than the loss itself. I ache each day for him but it is nothing compared to the ache I felt when he was alive. Don’t cry and don’t pretend you too are not a little relieved. Who’s being cruel? You held my boy at arms length, fearful to get too close. He accepted me as I am, as only a child can, and you could not. And always, always you let the fact he was not yours get in the way. We’ve been over it so many times. A silent fuck in an hour of darkness. I wasn’t even there. I won’t regret it. It gave me Christopher. You look so hurt. But I will not give in this time. I will not let you confuse me and love me into another death I can’t bear. You say you love me. Do you? Do you really? When you push and push for a medical answer to a problem I don’t believe I have – don’t you see it is me you are trying to kill? Think carefully. If I do as you ask, who will you be left with? Not. I hadn’t seen her in a few weeks when I met you. It had taught me two lessons. The first is not to date or be involved with someone who works with me. The second is not to date or be involved with someone who isn’t a Christian. I found that non-Christians live differently from the way I am willing to live.”“Gerald, you seem to have left a trail of women.”“Only one and a half other than Beth. I had dated Alicia. She broke up with me for someone else. Delores knew me from high school. I had asked her out a few times but was always turned down. She was never open to going with me but seemed to resent me being with any female. That’s the sordid story of my many women.”“I guess that’s not too many.” She grinned.We had finished our meals and walked out to my truck while my parents left for their house. We headed for the apartment.I looked at her. “What about you? How many broken hearts have you left strewn in your path?”Rachel blushed. “Me? None. I’ve never dated because my parents.
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