Step two: have a face like Celine. Step three: have an attitude like Celine. And step four: be Celine,” Addie said, smacking her lips after applying a new layer of lipstick. I didn’t know why she bothered. She was about to eat a sloppy, greasy burger.“You guys are so full of shit. You’re not getting pay raises for buttering me up.”“If you’d stop dressing like a fifty-year-old accountant you might see what we’re talking about,” Rita said, passing Addie back her phone.I was used to this. Rita and Addie were my friends. They always felt obligated to compliment me, as if I was some sad little pathetic pariah that needed a confidence boost to find a boyfriend. They were both absolutely certain that I had a stick up my ass because I didn’t get laid often enough. They were right about the laid part, but I’ve always had a stick up my ass, even when I had regular sex.The two of them spent a few minutes talking me up like I should be on the cover of Sports Illustrated while I told them to fuck. I put some sunscreen on my hand and started putting it on his forehead, face, ears and the back of his neck and said, “I am so glad we did this. I don’t think I would have been much fun if we had gone to the cabin today.”As I started to coat his legs and knees with the sunscreen, Brad said, “I know, Mom. I wasn’t looking forward to listening for footsteps and looking for shadows. And stop rubbing my leg. You’re making me go off course.”I looked around, and nobody was in sight and said, “Oh, is Mr. Johnson being a bad boy again?” as I slid my hand as far up his pant leg as I could and squeezed his thigh just below his swim trunks.Doing his best to give me a menacing look, Brad said, “Away with thee wench, or ye will be walking a plank to Davie Jones’ locker. I have me ship to sail.”Leaning back and putting the back of my hand to my brow, I pleaded, “Please, Mr. Pirate, don’t make me walk the plank. I only wanted to please my handsome master.”“Please me from the bow wench, or I will.
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