I fell for her, hard, and I’d never really loved anyone before, ‘cept my first Watcher, Diana. But she was like a mom. B was… not. I fell in love with her. But she was head over heels for Angel still, even after she killed him. Well, then came the day I figured out he was back. I… um…’ ‘You cut yourself?’ Dawn asked incredulously. ‘No. No. I didn’t just cut myself, like you did. You cut yourself to block out the pain. For me, the pain was too much. I tried to kill myself. I took a knife from my kitchen, and I stabbed myself in the gut. As soon as I did it, though, I was scared. I instantly regretted it. I felt my bl**d spilling out on the floor… I felt myself dying. It was… It was scary. It was damned terrifying. Luckily, Xander was on his way over, ’cause Giles sent him. There was a new big bad in town, and G needed everyone to meet up for some research, and that included me. G didn’t know my phone number, so he sent Xander instead. Xander found me, kept the knife in me so I. She glided around the room, calling him on her cell to tell him how much she loved them. I swallowed my tongue. FUCKING CLIVE.I opened my gift: A $40 gift card to GameStop. I gave her the socks. I had lost the fight, the battle and the war.***I had very specific plans for New Year’s Eve: I was going to drink heavily. This is how heavily: I went to the liquor store and bought a fifth of vodka. As I was about to check out, I looked at the 70-proof bottle of cheap hooch and though, “Hmm, is this enough?” I bought two. And I don’t even drink vodka.I really wanted to black out before Ryan Seacrest showed his fucking tanned face on the screen. Clive looked a bit like Seacrest. Blonde hair. Highlights. Short. Perfect smile. Extremely nice and polite and charming and funny. He had always been sweet to me. A real gentleman, actually. I hated that guy.I poured myself a large glass of liquid poison. When I say I am not a vodka guy, I mean that. I never drank it straight. It smelled like rubbing.
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