? Every time I openmy mouth to let him in- whether balls, shaft, tongue, finger, or any other toolof invasion he chooses- the shame and humiliation rise quietly in my mind,taking me back to that first night.?When the voice of dignity becomes so persistent that I start to listen,my craving kicks in.? I need thesynthetic heroin Nick has been feeding me.?So I open my mouth now, voraciously, to satisfy his sadistic desire tosee me so desperately needy.? He likesto wait to give me the dope- he waits till I can't stand it anymore.? He likes the tears in my eyes, the anguishin my voice, knowing he controls it all.?Knowing he controls all of me.? When Iget that strung-out, I let him do anything to me, just to have what Ineed.? I let him make me do anythingtoo- disgusting things, unimaginably humiliating things.? I'm so detached from them that I can thinkabout them easily. I've detached myself from my own pride, out ofself-preservation, so as not to feel the self-loathing that would crush me. The cat was with me, and he came up and stropped against me. I squatted down to pet him, and he climbed slowly onto my shoulder again with his tail twining as usual around my neck.And he started talking to me! Part of my mind, sitting somewhere way over in a corner, observed all this and thought how silly it was. But he was talking anyway."Will you agree that I have done you a service?" he asked. His voice was maybe the most soothing sound I'd ever heard, almost like the waves rolling in from the sea around us.Somehow I knew immediately what he meant—my singing. He'd been there when I'd had the sudden breakthrough, and somehow he'd been responsible for it."Yes," I replied in the dream."Then I must ask will you do me a service," he said."Beyond the beacon?" I asked. My sleeping self seemed to recognize that the electronic design I'd plotted out was far more than simply an upgraded gadget to lead me back home, it was somehow for him, not for me."Yes, beyond that," he told me. "I am.
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