I was, I suppose, the epitome of a hopeless romantic (although I preferred "new romantic" as the term then was), offering more melodrama than a Bette Davis movie and moping round the house like a fart in a trance.I questioned being Suzanne at all. After all, it was Lisa's affirmation of liking what she saw on the day of the Cordoba that made me go along with it all in the first place. The kiss in the toilets just made me feel if that was what being a girl was going to be like then I didn't ever want to change, a fact that was strengthened by the kiss when she left me at mum's.The trouble was of course, it didn't last.I didn't know whether Suzanne was the real me or whether she was just an excuse to hold on to the memory of those two kisses; the only emotional releases I had had in my relatively short life that had truly made my toes curl.I reverted to dressing as Paul and Lily didn't say anything, but I could tell she was disappointed even concerned. Even Mandy, who didn't seem to. It was wrong in so many ways, and I shall feel shame that I was even capable of acting that way for a long to come.”I took her hand back in mine, “Please don’t feel too bad, Honey. I knew it was you when you first touched me. I was still capable of rejecting you at that point, but I didn’t. I let my desires override good sense as well. I did know that once you had slipped into me, I could no longer stop you. But I didn’t care that much by then.”“You didn’t hurt me, and I’ll confess that I found you a very satisfying lover. You weren’t to know that my girls had only recently awoken the feminine side of my nature. She was being very naughty, and I must confess she only pushed you away because of painful memories of being pregnant the first time.”“If I’d not had those memories I think I would have let you continue and we would probably still be in bed. I’m not sure if you would have changed my feelings as to me loving you. I know now that love is not the feeling I have for you.”“I also.
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