Friday dawned bright and clear, and I felt like death warmed over. My head hurt, my back ached, my hip joints were tender, my knees were wobbly and my eyes were bloodshot. I thought I'd have to swear off booze for a week or so, but then I realized I had had only three beers all night, not nearly enough to cause all the physical damage I was feeling. I called off work again and opened a beer.I assessed the damage after my shower, and found my body — except for my scalp and pubes — to be nearly hairless. Then, to my horror, I realized my penis had shrunk. Not much, but enough to notice, and I remembered when I'd taken a leak that morning he had seemed a tiny bit strange in my hand, like he didn't fit the right way. I massaged him a little bit and he swelled back to normal, but when I left him alone he resumed his former flaccid state. I'm just average at a hair over six inches long, so any loss was painful for me.So, here I was in my house on Saturday morning, nearly hairless, with a. You know, like IQ, but for ability to interact as a human being.’ ‘OK, got you,’ I replied. ‘I’ve noticed that about one or two of them.’ About that time, cop #2 yelled at us, ‘Hey Tower, if you’re finished putting the make on the old man, we’ve work to do. Get your ass in gear.’ I heard him mutter, not quiet under his breath ‘Damn carpet muncher’ as he turned and walked away. ‘Yeah, keep your shorts on JW, I’m coming.’ She turned back to me and said ‘He thinks I call him that cause his name is Joe Wilson. I call him that cause it’s short for Jerk Wad. Take care, Mr. Jacobs.’ I held up my fist and said ‘Dave.’ ‘Beth’ she said as she bumped my fist. Well, having wasted 30 minutes with Duluth’s finest, I started again for the mall. As I passed the closed Pep-boys store, I had a random thought and hitting my blinker, got over in the left hand lane. Coming up to the next light, Howell Ferry Rd., I again hit the blinker and making sure I was past the yellow line and beside the white.
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